Your Due Date

August 12, 2017

Dear Baby Girl, 

Today would have been your due date. Although, I am suspicious that you would have actually been here already. 

Today has been a day I have been dreading for the last 5 months. I was sad and grieving on the day that you were born into the arms of Jesus. But somehow thinking of meeting you for the first time today (or around this time) smelling that newborn skin and kissing your warm cheeks, brings me to my knees because it's something I won't get to do today. 

I can't help but imagine Sam getting to hold you for the first time and thinking about how he may of reacted. I think he would have protected you and tried to share all his trucks with you! 

As I sit here writing this, I am actually 14 weeks pregnant with your future younger brother or sister. We actually were very surprised to learn about this coming baby. We thought we'd have waited but life had other plans for us. And there was a lot of guilt associated with it. Still I feel myself pulling back from falling deeply in love with this baby because it feels unfair to you. We also felt a lot of reservation towards sharing our news because we didn't want people to think we were replacing you- such a devastating myth.

I selfishly get mad that instead of getting to hold and love on you today, I am pregnant and being sick. Instead of today marking the end of my pregnancy, I am only early into the second trimester. 

We planted a tree in your honor where we also laid your ashes and hope to watch it grow through the years as a reminder to us of you and how you would have grown. We hope to sit out and watch Sam play while sitting under that tree today but it appears the weather may match our moods. But we will remember this day and you regardless today and for many years to come. 

We love you! 

xo 

No New Pregnancy Updates

You know those cute pregnancy updates I use to do? I haven't had the desire to do one at all for this pregnancy. I do feel sorry for this little one. It's not from lack of time. It's more from denial. Sure, I know I am pregnant.  The symptoms, the tests, the ultrasounds. All is good in that department. But I couldn't bare documenting and having it to look back on it like a cruel reminder like last time.

I mean the pregnancy sickness has hit me full force and I think it's just one of those things I just deal with no matter what. No, I'm not as sick as last time but as my doctor reminded me, I was so sick last time because something was wrong. The placenta wasn't properly grown and attached (so they think) which meant I was supplying the baby all of it's needed nutrients the whole time, making my hormones crazy and making me so sick. This time I am still sick and it makes me scared. Every time I am sick I selfishly hope it's not for nothing. I cry after being sick because I feel like it's what I've been dealing with since November. I am tearful because I worry I will spent the next weeks being sick daily and having nothing to say "it was all worth it" for.

We went for our first ultrasound because as I mentioned, the doctors were a little surprised we were pregnant so fast (us too!). So, they wanted to make sure everything was good before starting normal appointments. Well, at 7 weeks pregnant we saw our baby and the little heat beating away. It made it feel very real.

They told me to continue on with life and if I made it to 11-12 weeks, they would schedule another appointment with the high risk clinic. Time went by, I felt more and more pregnant (aka: sick) and my pants got tighter. It was if my body hadn't forgotten yet what it was like to be pregnant so POP went the belly.

At 11 weeks, I went for my next ultrasound and saw a very perfect and active little one. After that ultrasound my high risk team seemed to go into overdrive. I went for blood work (a couple times) that day, met with my nurse practitioner, met with my high risk OB and scheduled some further appointments.

Lately, I have been struggling with the idea that I am going to have to be considered "high risk". Anyone who knows me, knows I am a small town girl and I love my small town hospital. I love sitting in the waiting room chatting with an old friend or neighbor. I love that you typically know some of the staff. At the General, I don't know a soul and I've had this very lonely feeling at my appointments. Being "high risk" also comes with the consequence of going to bi-weekly appointments starting in September. I don't have any other restrictions (then any other pregnant woman), but they still want to keep a closer eye on me by seeing me every two weeks until 34 weeks. So I won't even know where or who will deliver this baby until after 34 weeks. This planner is having panic attacks at that thought.

But despite these things, I am trying to let myself get excited at the prospect of a new baby. I feel like I am not allowed to however until the 17 week mark. But I'm getting there and it makes it easier now to not be hiding it from close family and friends. It was nice to be able to share this very personal news especially after what we went through just a few months ago.

So...Here are some details:

Due date: February 13

Are we finding out: Nope! We are going to try our best not to find out but I am a little worried because I was told that at every appointment I would be getting an ultrasound. So I am hoping they don't slip. Boy or girl, ultrasound picture makes me think it will look like Gru from Despicable Me! 

Sam: He knew pretty early on when I started getting sick. He is still convinced the baby is in his belly. Or sometimes he pretends to take the baby out of my belly to go on a bike ride with him.

Ryan: I think Ryan is struggling with the realization that I am in fact pregnant. He sees me being sick and my middle growing, but when I ask him to lift something he kind of asks why. Or if I fall asleep, he asks me what I am so tired for. It's either it hasn't sunk in for him or he is tired of me being sick and tired, the same way I am sick of it. I think Ryan and I are both scared of this pregnancy so we don't talk about it to one another because we don't want to stress the other person out. So instead, we either don't talk or we are grumpy with one another. Sometimes it's just easier to take it out on the ones you love most. 

Other: As I approach my second trimester I am beginning to feel flutters, broke out the maternity work pants and feel the normal pregnancy stuff. I am learning I hate being pregnant in the summer. Never before has the heat bothered me so much. Time is actually going kind of passing slowly which is both bad and good. We won't be making any "social media" announcement about the pregnancy. Just kind of let people figure it out or have the word spread naturally. We appreciate all of the well wishes, prayers and congratulations! 

xo